


The Five Phase Plan to (Fame) Love

by Cellardoor26



Category: Haters Back Off (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, Episode Tag, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 06:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12525372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cellardoor26/pseuds/Cellardoor26
Summary: Miranda takes her break up with Patrick about as well as Miranda does whenever she doesn't get what she wants. Expect tantrums, yelling at children, and very little self reflection. However, with a new Five Phase Plan and a LOT of effort she's pretty sure she can fix everything.After all, she's an amazing five threat: singer actress dancer model magician.





	The Five Phase Plan to (Fame) Love

**Author's Note:**

> I can't help myself with this couple - they're so cute.

Miranda has no intention of ever speaking to Patrick again. 

No wait- she has no intention of ever looking at him again!!

Or or, she has no intention of even thinking of him ever again! Won’t that show Patrick! He can go around town all he wants to that harlot Amanda and she won’t even care that they’re standing so near each other and Patrick keeps looking at her and he’s probably making some hilarious joke that she won’t even appreciate because she can’t even be that smart if she isn’t a singer actress dancer model magician - 

Miranda is forced out of her reverie by the sound of a bike’s bell and she can’t stop herself from tearing out of her closet and weaving around the towers of junk from the garage haphazardly constructed in the living room before forcing the front door open. 

But it isn’t Patrick on his bike in front of her house with a Froze Toes, it’s not even Patrick speeding by with that that devil woman, it’s just some lame kid learning how to ride his bike with his dad. 

“You shouldn’t ring that bell unless there’s an emergency!” Miranda calls out to him, but her outrage is halfhearted at best, and she barely slams the door as she goes back inside. 

 

Usually when Miranda’s upset (or happy or angry or excited or any emotion really) she goes to Uncle Jim to find out what she should do next, and he comes up with an amazing five phase plan, and everything always works out and is perfect. But when Miranda goes searching for him after the horrible no good bell incident he isn’t in the living room, or the kitchen, or the bathroom, and her mom’s room is locked so he couldn’t be in there, and the only person she finds in the garage is Emily gathering up her boring paintings and putting them into piles. Miranda means to ask where Uncle Jim is, but she’s so confused by Emily another question comes out.

“What are you even doing Emily? You can even see the paintings when they’re in piles like that.” 

“No, I know Miranda.” Emily says without looking away from her paintings, “I’m sorting them to decide which paintings will go up on the walls where.”

“Oh.” That actually sounds like a pretty good idea. Miranda tries again to ask where Uncle Jim is. 

 

“Do you know where Patrick is? Oh! I mean Uncle Jim, I don’t care where Patrick is, he could be dying and I wouldn’t even care! If he begged me my other kidney I wouldn’t even give it to him- I’d just laugh and laugh!” Miranda takes a moment to laugh, showing Emily exactly how she would mock Patrick, but it quickly trails off, “You don’t think he is dying, do you?” While the weird snorting laugh Miranda issued forth had no clear response from Emily, the worry and concern in Miranda’s voice makes Emily put down her paintings and turn to her sister. 

“No, I don’t think Patrick is dying.”

“Right right.” Miranda looks relieved for a moment and then her ever changing facial expressions turn fearful, “Except mom was dying and we didn’t even know about that! So…” Miranda trails off.

“That was really more an isolated incident than a repeatable-” But Miranda cuts her off, not in the mood in the least for one of Emily’s “I’m so smart I go to real school just work on my homework with me and you’ll learn it too” rants. 

“Do you think Patrick would even tell me if he was dying? Do you think that’s why he cheated on me?!” Emily likes to pretend that Miranda, at her core, is a selfish mean person with no talent and no redeeming qualities. It’s helpful when her Uncle dotes on Miranda to excess, ignoring her, and her mother just lets them walk all over the family. But Emily remembers that her sister only started singing because Emily thought it was so funny and asked her to do it whenever she felt scared or bored. She remembers how Miranda used to put weird knick knacks in her backpack so that she’d get a surprise every day at school, and how Miranda, who can be cruel and selfish, can also be the most giving, vulnerable person Emily’s ever met. 

“Patrick would tell you if he’s dying Miranda.” 

“Oh good.” Miranda looks relieved but still troubled and in pain. It makes Emily speak up, even though her MO is to stay as far away from Miranda’s life as possible. 

“Are you sure Patrick really cheated on you? It doesn’t really sounds like something he’d do.” Miranda looks outraged at once and her face takes on the look that means she’s about to go shrill. 

“NO! He was taking on my magic outfit off of another girl! Really violently! Like he really wanted her to not being wearing it right away!” 

“Well.” Emily says, really not sure why she’s engaging, “maybe he was upset she was wearing it since it was your outfit and took it off her, instead of, you know, using his words.” Emily is so used to everyone ignoring what she says that she’s flabbergasted by the change in Miranda. Miranda is looking right at Emily, listening so clearly she feels a sudden kinship with Uncle Jim and understands for the first time why he dotes on Miranda so. When Miranda listens to you, you feel like the most important person in the world. You feel like there’s no one else worth listening to; it’s an insanely heady feeling. 

“Hey, do you think so?!” Miranda sounds so earnest and excited Emily feels a contact high. 

“Well it certainly makes more sense than Patrick cheating on you.”

“Yeah, you’re right! I’m so amazing and talented; why would he cheat on me?” Miranda starts looking around the garage erratically, her thoughts blazing, making connections an average mind wouldn’t. 

“Well I meant more like he really loves and cares about you, for some reason, and he would never want to hurt you.” Emily is pretty sure this will fall on deaf ears but Miranda turns to look at her. 

“Then why didn’t he tell me right away when I was so upset and mean to him?” Miranda asks, and Emily is struck again by Miranda’s focus on her, making her distracted and more honest than she usually is. 

“Well maybe because you were so mean to him. Maybe he’s tired of how you treat him.” Miranda seems to give this some thought. 

“Well that’s crazy! I treat him amazing! He gets to help me become more famous every day and we do magic together and he gives me Froze Toes and then he pops my bubble and we wear the same shoes and-” Emily can tell that Miranda’s self reflection can only go so far and usually she’d give up with a throw of her hands, but there’s something about this conversation that makes Emily push her point.

“Miranda, Patrick would do anything for you. He gave you his chance to get into that dumb magic club when that’s all he wanted. He pedals you and Uncle Jim all over town because you ask him, and not even that nicely. He watches all your videos and likes and comments on every single one of them, which is honestly saintly. Patrick loves you and shows you that every day. Maybe he just wants you to put in that much effort, for him.” Miranda’s eyes have gone huge and Emily fears a bit for her life as the seconds slip by. She’s sure she’s going to get yelled at, but then Miranda gets the “I have a horrible idea” look and Emily fight or flight response gears up. 

“Oh Emily you have given me an amazing wonderful idea even though you talked for so long. Thank you so much!” Miranda kisses Emily on the forehead, leaving a huge lipstick mark, and spinning around, bellows out, “Uncle Jim! I have a five phase plan and it’s amazing and perfect!” Emily doesn’t try to wipe away the lipstick, knowing it will smear and get everywhere, and turns back to sorting her paintings, with a bemused look on her face that many would consider a smile. 

 

This five phase plan actually only has four phases, but Uncle Jim tells Miranda it’s perfectly alright to still call it a five phase plan. Anyway Miranda uses a ton of glitter so it counts just the same. 

The original five phase plan were as follows: 

1\. kill amanduh  
2\. Miranda theem park  
3\. bi a bank  
4\. plan date 4 Patrick w/ monee  
5\. be 2gether 4evr

See it’s perfect because Patrick will see that Miranda is willing to go through the effort of building her own theme park all by herself, and then Miranda will make her very own huge date for Patrick with lots of fun stuff he’ll want to do, and this time she won’t break up with him to date someone else, and Patrick will be so impressed and happy they’ll be together forever. Only Bethany comes in and gets so upset and makes a house rule: “No murder! Ever!”. Which is so mean! Miranda thinks her Mom has gotten so different since she left and then came back and had kidney failure and needed a new one and Miranda gave her one. Although now that Miranda thinks about it, it makes sense for Bethany to be different with some Miranda inside of her, so ok, no murder. 

1\. Miranda theem park  
2\. bi a bank  
3\. plan date 4 Patrick w/ monee  
4\. be 2gether 4evr

“Now isn’t that better?” Bethany asks. Miranda looks at it, and something doesn’t feel right about the steps. 

“But how will Patrick know about the Miranda theme park if it’s at my house?” Miranda asks, “He never comes by anymore.” The house is quiet for a moment before Uncle Jim comes up with an amazing idea, showcasing why he’s Miranda’s favorite uncle, 

“Then we’ll make the theme park at Patrick’s house!” Miranda smiles a huge smile, but it quickly turns into a frown as she thinks of something else.

“But then how will all my fans know to come to Patrick’s house?” Miranda asks dejectedly. This stumps everyone for a moment, until Emily, who’s only walking through the living room to get a sweater because the garage is much colder without all that junk in it calls out,

“Put up signs!” 

 

“This isn’t even a part of the five phase plan!” Miranda moans to herself as she puts up another sign, not very well. Patrick was the one who always made their signs anyway, and Miranda feels very put upon to not only make signs, but put them up ALL BY HERSELF.

Miranda tries to pass the time by imagining the love and adoration she’ll feel as people come to her theme park, and how Patrick will tell her he loves only her and she’s amazing and so talented and Amanda is obviously the worst, when she hears someone call her name. Miranda turns her head and Patrick is standing in front of her, holding up a sign, looking angry and sad. 

“What, what are you doing Miranda?” He says, and even though Miranda was so cross just a moment ago she’s so happy to be doing her favorite thing with Patrick, staring up into his eyes, that she can only be happy as she says, 

“I’m putting up fliers for my theme park. Isn’t it amazing? Uncle Jim says he’s going to build a statue of me!” But this doesn’t make Patrick happy at all, and he says, 

“Why... why does it say ‘Address: Patrick’s house’?” 

“Oh.” As Miranda gets ready to explain, she wonders if she’s allowed to skip steps, but Patrick seems so upset, and Miranda feels so giddy to be standing in front of him she can’t help it, “Well that’s because of my five phase plan.” This is the wrong thing to say, but Miranda doesn’t know why. All she knows is that Patrick looks angry, not sad anymore, and takes a huge step closer to her, his arms moving around for a full twenty seconds before he can speak. 

“Your five phase plan? Your five phase plan?! What about. what I tell you I want. Do you even care..” Patrick trails off for a moment, staring at her beseechingly, but Miranda pipes in, thinking this is the perfect moment to explain, she can’t stand Patrick so upset. 

“It is for you! The five phase plan is for you!” 

“No it’s not Miranda! It’s for you! For your, your career. That’s all you care about, your theme park and New York and whatever you want.” Patrick says the words like he’s spitting them out and Miranda doesn’t understand why he hates the plan when she worked so hard on it and she even took out murdering Amanda, but Patrick is walking away now and Miranda can feel her heart breaking, this is worse than standing up on the stage and everyone’s laughing at her. This is worse than crying in the rain. This is worse than waking up without a kidney, because at least Patrick was sitting next to her, even if he did barf. 

“WAIT!” She yells, running up to him, “Wait!” She pulls on his arm, and he stops moving, and his body is twisted half away from her, so she grabs his hand to anchor herself to him. “We can make a Patrick and Miranda theme park. Your name first!” She expects Patrick to be over the moon about this, but he doesn’t say anything, and Miranda has this horrible feeling this is her last chance. “The five phase plan.” She feels him pull his hand away but she holds on tighter, “It’s really a four phase plan, because I had to get rid of the murder phase but Patrick, they’re for you! Emily said if I showed you effort you’d un break up with me so I made a plan to get you back and show you how much you mean to me.” Patrick is looking at her with very little anger and a lot of hope, which gives Miranda hope too, he’ll be ecstatic once he knows all the phases! “So I was going to build a Miranda theme park.” She feels him tug his hand away so she raises her voice, “But it can be a Patrick and Miranda theme park! And I would build it myself and show you how much effort I can put in, and then we’d make so much money we can buy a bank and then I’ll use some of the money to take you on a date and we can do whatever you want! Like magic or ride on horses or eat at a fancy restaurant or whatever you want.” Patrick looks like his face is in a war between happy and upset but Miranda can’t tell exactly which side is winning because he still won’t look at her face. 

Miranda trails off then, because for some reason the logic that made so much sense in her living room feels wrong now, and she doesn’t know how to make him understand, how do you tell someone the effort you’ll make when you haven’t done it yet? This is all wrong! She was going to show him and then tell him just like Emily said; this is why you don’t skip steps in a five phase plan! 

“That sounds like your five phase plan to fame with me squished in it.” Patrick says, and the words are terrible but his voice is soft, like he wants to let her know gently that her idea is bad. He still won’t look at her, but he hasn’t let go of her hand or run away, and a silence permeates them. Miranda can hear her heart beating too fast and some part of her knows if she doesn’t break this silence it will be the end of them. So Miranda does what she always does when she needs to answer a questions and has no idea what to say; she just starts talking. 

“Patrick, before Emily told me you would never cheat on me and it was just a misunderstanding- I kept trying to stop thinking about you or wanting to see you and I couldn’t.” Patrick turns to face her. And oh! Patrick is looking at her the way he used to and Miranda can’t feel her face and she’s so scared he’s going to run away that she forces herself to say what she doesn’t want to. “Even when I was heart broken I didn’t care that you cheated.” Patrick looks horrified but Miranda continues, “Well I did care, I cared more than anything, but the real truth is that I wanted to be with you anyway, I still wanted to be your girlfriend, I just thought...”

“You thought?” Patrick asks, his voice still soft but now it’s sweet too. He’s turned towards her completely and she can see his eyes and mouth and sideways bangs. It gives her a total head rush. 

“I thought you didn’t want me to be your girlfriend anymore.” They stay in the moment of that confession and Miranda is trying really hard not to cry but Patrick looks so blurry in front of her she knows she failed that as well. And then Patrick speaks,

“I always want you to be my girlfriend.” Miranda laughs for just a moment in pure joy and then she’s crying without even meaning to, and Patrick is hugging her and she can tell he’s crying also, but she feels so happy like everything is back to where it should be she doesn’t even mind his wet face on hers. 

 

It turns out that Bethany was right about the original Phase one, because Patrick broke up with Amanda right after they stopped hugging. But then the second phase one gets all messed up because Mr. and Mrs. Moony refuse to let them build a theme park in their front yard, and they have to take down all the fliers, only Patrick helps her so already that’s a lot less annoying than putting them up. The new phase one also is different because instead of just Miranda’s theme park it’s Miranda and Patrick’s theme park, even though Patrick says that’s ok, and they don’t need to include him. Miranda is ready to agree it is silly when he’s not even famous, but she sees Emily making furious hand signals like she’s surrounded by a ton of bees, so Miranda thinks she has to do the effort anyway and insists. The new phase two and three don’t even end up happening because they have to use all the money they make on the rent!! Which is horrible and so annoying!! But the next day when Miranda is eating a Froze Rose (Which is not as good as a Froze Toes and Miranda doesn’t understand why Patrick keeps making them when he says it takes him so long!!) and Patrick is standing next to her and has trailed off in the middle of his story and is just watching her mouth, Miranda figures phase four is the best, most important phase anyway, so who cares if the other phases don’t work out as well. 

End.


End file.
